[10 weeks 懷孕10週] ER by ambulance, Miscarriage, d&c 救護車, 流產了

We lost them. They're gone. 他們走了.

(中文在下面) Below is what I shared on my social media. It documents a series of events that happened over the last few weeks. 

My first prenatal appointment was virtual with an ob nurse last month, virtual due to COVID restrictions. Since it was virtual, of course there was no exam, bloodwork or ultrasound. That was the only appointment where I felt everything was fine and didn't have any worry about anything. My next appt was scheduled for May 17 and that would've been my 9th almost 10th week, with ultrasound / bloodwork for the first time for this pregnancy. Instead, May 17 was the day I got my 3rd ultrasound and was confirmed by the third doctor that I was in the process of miscarriage. I thought that was the worst day of my life. I had no idea it could get worse within 48 hours. I was taken to the ER by ambulance yesterday at 2am. I had surgery past noon. I was discharged and got home just before 5pm. I'm physically not in much discomfort. Anesthetic, morphine, hydrocodone, Tylenol, antibiotics, and something for anti-nausea, plus 2 bags of fluids all got injected into my body within 12 hours. So I'm probably still all drugged up right now. These meds have kept the physical pain away. The doctors have urged me to talk about this and not suppress feelings. They say it's part of a healing process. This is why I'm writing down what happened in the last few weeks. This has been the longest and most emotional month of my life. They say it's normal to feel sad, devastated, angry, hurt, betrayed by body and all of those negative emotions. I had felt all of the above described in the last 3 weeks and only have one word to describe my current emotion. Emptiness.

A few days after that first prenatal appt, I started having pink spotting (I was 6 weeks). This lasted for just 2 days. Even though it was very little (only when I wiped), that got me worried. I was told, repeatedly by different nurses and doctors, that it was common and that about 20% of all pregnancies experience some spotting, and most times the pregnancy continues to deliver healthy babies. Other than spotting, I didn't have any other symptom aside from some back pain. Then to calm my nerves, the doctor approved my request for an early ultrasound on April 28 (I was 7 weeks) to rule out ectopic. The ultrasound tech was quiet 95% of the entire 45 minute appt. The tech performed both abdominal and transvaginal ultrasounds. I saw 2 black dots on the screen. When I asked "does everything look normal?" Her response was "it's too early to tell" and measured everything in silence. Silence. The room was just very silent. I left the exam room with a million questions with no answer.

Then the next day, spotting came back with a tan-ish color. I also heard back from a nurse that 3 doctors have seen my chart and scan and said my ultrasound result was inconclusive. They said I was pregnant, but they weren't sure if it was 1 or 2 sacs and they dated only at 4 weeks and 1 day at what would've been 7 weeks. They said I could have ovulated late but I knew the dates so it didn't feel right. My only hope had shifted from "maybe they're just developing slow" to "maybe the 2nd COVID vaccine dose messed up the cycle a lot" (while at the same time I knew clinically the vaccine has not shown any adverse effect before and during pregnancy, I was trying to grasp for the last thread of hope that maybe this did impact my pregnancy hormone but things were still going to be ok). I started a series of bloodwork and went back for blood draw every 2-3 days for almost 3 weeks. All the while my hcg (pregnancy hormone) was rising but slowly. While it was expected to double every 48-72 hours in early pregnancy, mine only went up between 17-40% every 2-3 days. Nurses and doctors said it's not uncommon for some pregnancies to have a slow rise, plus they had ruled out ectopic. They said as long as it's rising then they're not very concerned. Somehow I didn't believe them. "It's hopeful," they said. I could only nod and I thought hopeful is not enough. The more technology we have the easier it is to just Google and read published papers on pretty much anything, and down the rabbit hole of endless worrying. My doctors were caring and very accommodating to all of my requests but I think I knew all along something wasn't right.

The spotting continued and went from pink to brown then became bright red by May 3. It got heavier by May 10 and was enough to saturate a liner pad.

On the day after Mother's Day (May 11), we had the 2nd ultrasound. We saw them both. They only grew about a week in size in 13 days. There's also a small sub hematoma next to one of them. It was a different tech this time. She was chatty but didn't say anything about the hematoma. I just knew what that was and what it could mean because I had seen so many pictures and read so much online already. No heartbeats. This time I asked for ultrasound prints because I didn't get any last time and I knew this was probably my last chance.

Then the next day (May 12), I started bleeding more and switched from a liner pad to a normal period pad. I also had a virtual visit with an ob to discuss the ultrasound results and the next steps. The doctor said at that point it's 98% going to end up in a miscarriage. She said there were 3 ways to move forward: wait for it to happen naturally, take medicine to speed up the process, or schedule for a procedure to have them surgically removed (d&c). I didn't want to go through it at home and then possibly not able to walk into our bathrooms feeling normal ever again afterward. Since a natural miscarriage is unpredictable, it could happen the next day or the next month and could happen while on bed/couch or in the car or really anywhere at any time. I couldn't convince myself to have it happen at home. The doctor also said sometimes with a natural miscarriage (with or without medication), some tissues remain and bleeding could persist and that would require a d&c to remove all remains. At the end of that appt, I asked for one more ultrasound the following week (this week) to confirm, and then schedule for d&c. She understood and so that was the plan.

On May 15, I began cramping. It was Friday night around 8pm. At first, it was mild but my bleeding had picked up a pace but still not saturating a pad in an hour. I played League of Legends with friends as a way to distract myself from the fear and pain. I was literally holding my stomach with my left hand while clicking the mouse aimlessly with my right hand. If you play the game, then you know that's not how you would normally play it. After League, I watched a bunch of YouTube videos and had a karaoke session to help pass the time. The cramp carried on nonstop between about 8pm and 6am the next day. By about 4am on Saturday, the cramp became very severe. I was passing clots and had a gush of blood while feeling freezing. I didn't want to go to the ER coz I knew they wouldn't save them and probably not much could be done. I wanted to take painkillers but we only had ibuprofen at home. All pharmacies were closed at that time. I remembered it's recommended to avoid ibuprofen during pregnancy for its association with blood clots and birth defects. I knew the twins were likely not going to survive, but I still didn't want to take it. If there was a slight chance, I wanted to give it to them. I called the advice nurse hotline while on the toilet to ask what else I could take to relieve the pain. The nurse transferred me to their emergency hotline and I was told in my case ibuprofen and Tylenol were fine to take. The on-call ob said everything I described sounded like I was having a miscarriage. W ran to the nearest gas station during that time to get Tylenol. The pain subsided after more clots got passed. I ended up not taking anything that day. The cramp finally became mild enough for me to fall asleep by around 6am on Saturday. I woke up feeling great with no symptoms and minimal bleeding. Sunday went by with minimal bleeding too, and no cramps. I thought I had miscarried.

On May 17, we had the 3rd ultrasound. This was the day I was scheduled for my first in-person prenatal visit. If I hadn't called and urged for some tests 3 weeks prior, this would've been the day that I just found out I was going to end up with a miscarriage. I was shocked to see them both still inside me. They grew 3 days in size in 6 days, but no heartbeats. I was almost 10 weeks but they measured at 5 weeks and 4 days. The sub hematoma had grown a little. The ultrasound tech was again quiet and didn't tell me anything, but I could read the measurements on the screen and knew what they meant. She said congratulations as we were leaving the room. I cried on the way to the car.

On May 18, we had our first in-person visit with an ob. She performed the 4th ultrasound as final confirmation. The ultrasound wand was covered with blood and she diagnosed me with miscarriage in progress. I gave consent for d&c for Thursday (May 20). I also had some bloodwork and a covid test done. I found out apparently I was anemic - likely due to the fact that I had been spotting & bleeding for more than 3 weeks & many blood draws within the last 2 weeks, plus I bled heavily Friday night/Saturday morning. The doctors said I was good to go with the procedure.

On May 19, around 11pm, the cramp came back as I was showering just before bed. It was so sudden and it came hard. The water in the shower turned from clear to red. There were red bubbles and clumps of clots. I went to lie on the bed and thought it'd pass like before. I told myself it's fine, it's just cramps. I've had so many period cramps before I kept telling myself it's just a little more intense this time. Plus the surgery was just less than half a day away. The cramping didn't stop and the pain became even more unbearable but W couldn't pull me up from the bed to take Tylenol. I couldn't even move because of the pain. It came in waves and each washed all of my senses with pain at once.

When I was between "waves" I finally got up and took Tylenol and went straight to the toilet. While rushing to the bathroom, I knew I was bleeding a lot with clots and my pj pant was soaked in my own blood and I began feeling dizzy. I sat down on the toilet at 12:30 and stayed on it until the paramedics came.

W was on a call with the advice nurse while holding me while I was sitting on the toilet. I was crying and screaming. I remember there was a lot of pain while on the toilet and I felt nauseous, but I didn't throw up. I wanted to throw up but nothing came out. Around 1:30am I blacked out while sitting on the toilet. W called 911 and an ambulance and a fire truck came. The firefighters got me into a chair and brought me down the stairs to the living room where the paramedics had a bed set up and switched me from chair to bed, my senses came back and I could see all of them while I was being transferred from chair to bed (all firefighters were very good looking even with the masks on by the way). The firefighters and the paramedics were telling me to take deep breaths. Somehow I knew the words but my body forgot how to do it. I couldn't control my breathing while crying. W was shouting. I was crying and curled myself into a ball on the bed as the paramedics rushed me out of our home.

At first, the paramedics told me they couldn't just take me to my hospital of choice. They had to see where we could get routed to. Luckily, they were able to take me to the same hospital where I was scheduled for surgery (Kaiser). So I got admitted to the ER of the same hospital and because it was the same hospital, they had all of my medical history and everything we did & knew about the pregnancy was already on file. W couldn't ride the ambulance with me. I wanted him to, but the paramedics said he couldn't, although while I was by myself in the ER I thought it's good he didn't so he could get things set up for Beibei Lulu and Duke as we didn't know how the night was gonna go.

I was at the ER from 2-6am. They let W come see me around 3 and I was given morphine at the time so the pain had subsided a lot by then. I bled continuously while in ER. They also injected fluids and something for anti-nausea. I was anemic, had low blood pressure, low sodium, and was dehydrated. There was an internal ultrasound and a pelvic exam and those were painful, even with morphine. The ER doctor told me I lost one baby there, the other baby was still inside me. I requested to stay there until 9:30am (the time for check-in for my surgery), but they couldn't let me stay. So I was discharged at 6am. Took a 2 hour nap at home then back to the same hospital for the procedure.

Then something funky happened. During check-in for the surgery, the computer thought I was still with the ER and so the receptionist for the operation department couldn't get me checked in. Of course some technical difficulty would happen. They tried to get the ER doctor to release me again but she was busy with another patient so they had to get her supervisor to override and release me again from ER's system. All the while I was sitting in a wheelchair just bleeding and waiting. Scenes from hours before and various moments since we found out about the pregnancy kept on replaying in my head. I felt like I was watching this happening to someone else even though this was happening to me. A nurse from the operation department was with me and waited with me until the registration process finally got cleared up.

I got wheeled in around 10am. Due to COVID precautions, W couldn't go in or wait in the waiting room. So he was sent home. The nurse gave me 5 pills (max strength of Tylenol and some antibiotics) and I took those while bleeding on the "waiting bed" (surprisingly not much pain by then, maybe the morphine was still there, plus there was also Tylenol). I remember I had to switch 3 beds before I got pushed into the operation room, but not sure why the switches and each time I switched I saw blood on the blankets and sheets.

Before being pushed into the operation room, the 2.5 hour wait was so long. Many people came and greeted and told me their names and what they were going to do and how they were going to look after me. It was all a blur. I tried to sleep but it was so noisy and I couldn't fall asleep. I just felt like a super old grandma while at the hospital, so weak, so uncomfortable, so not sure what to do with anything.

I got admitted into the operation room at 12:30pm. I remember the moment I entered the operation room I was stunned by how white, how spacious, and how crisp & cold the room was. It was freezing inside and the bed for operation felt even more icy-cold. There were many monitors. Visually it looked like those high-tech operation rooms in the movies.

The surgical team had 7 people for this procedure. They surrounded my bed in a circle and each introduced themselves to me again (for the second/third time). The team consisted of a surgeon, another doctor, an anesthesiologist, a lead nurse, another nurse, a surgical equipment technician, and a medical student. Then the surgeon, Dr. Susie Lim, began addressing the purpose and priorities of the surgery. Then each of them took turns to state who they were and what their tasks were as if they were speaking to someone else like they were recording it. Somehow at that moment, it reminded me of a Japanese drama Code Blue. Then it began.

They sedated me through IV and I remember the last thing I saw was the surgeon pressing an oxygen mask on me while telling me to take deep breaths and the lead nurse was gently stroking my right arm where the IV was. I had tears coming down as I said "I'm sorry" in my mind while also counting how many ceiling tiles I could see.

Then the next thing I knew was I saw a big screen that said 1:30 something and I was still inside the operation room. I also had a rush of burning sensation between my legs and wasn't sure if I was supposed to be awake. They all had their backs toward me when I woke up. They didn't expect me to wake up that soon so at first they didn't know I was awake. I tried calling them but they didn't hear me. Then someone saw me moving my hand and saw I was awake and told me they had just finished the surgery. No blood transfusion was needed (that was a possible concern). Then they moved me to the recovery room where I stayed until around 4:30.

They were going to discharge me around 2:30pm but I almost fainted while sitting up so they had me stay for 2 more hours and gave me more fluid and oxycodone to manage the pain. I had not had any food since 8pm or liquid since 10pm the night before so my throat felt very dry and scratchy. The last nurse that cared for me was very gentle and caring. I did not feel uncomfortable with him being a male nurse when I needed help with getting dressed, changing pads, checking post-surgery bleeding, using the bathroom etc. When I requested something to drink, he came back with a cup of ice water, a bottle of apple juice, and another bottle of cranberry raspberry juice. He brought each to my mouth and fed me through the straw.

I feel fine now. I'm disappointed that the surgeon said cremation unfortunately isn't an option. I know it's nobody's fault that this has happened. It isn't anyone's fault that we can't cremate them. I had lost one of them before the surgery. The second one was so small and they needed to send as much tissue as they could for lab tests (I requested for chromosomal tests, trying to find some answers) so there's really not much remain that can be cremated. I was hoping to cremate them and sprinkle them in Iceland because we were supposed to go together this summer. I still want to go to Iceland because this is what we can still do.

If you made it this far down this post, thank you for reading this. We're home. We're ok. Also thanks to the firefighters and the paramedics and all of the doctors, nurses, and all clinicians for helping and working hard even during this time of a pandemic. I saw firsthand how busy they were and no one was idle. Everyone was busy. Also thanks to the 911 dispatcher who stayed on the line with W until the paramedics arrived. He was probably freaking out when I passed out on the toilet, half-naked while dripping blood. Thanks to those who have called and checked on us. I might disconnect from phone, social media from time to time but I think we will be ok.

以下是我在社交網站上貼的. 這篇記錄了過去幾個禮拜發生的事情.

四月時發現懷孕了. 是雙胞胎. 預產期是12月底. 我跟W 都很興奮但是高興的時間並沒有很久.

第一次的產檢是跟一個婦產科的護士. 因為疫情控管的關係, 所以這個產檢是視訊. 既然是視訊, 當然沒有任何檢查,抽血,超音波那些. 這個產檢是唯一一次我完全沒感到不安的一次. 我的第二個產檢 原本預計是5/17, 會是快要滿10週的時候 也是這天我才應該要做第一次的懷孕抽血超音波這些檢查. 結果實際上 5/17那天是我第三次照超音波, 也是這天被第三個醫生診斷為正在流產. 我以為那天是一生最慘的一天. 完全沒想到不到48小時還能變得更糟. 昨天凌晨2點我被救護車載去急診室. 中午做了手術. 下午醫院讓我出院 快5點時回到家開始休息. 現在 身體上我沒有很多的不舒服. 麻醉藥 嗎啡 鴉片 鎮痛劑 止吐藥 消炎藥, 還有兩袋點滴 這些在不到12小時裡被灌進我的身體裡. 大概我體內還有一些這些的藥效在, 所以身體上的痛都被擋住了. 每個醫生都建議我該多跟人講講這個經歷, 他們不要我把全部情緒壓抑在心裡. 醫生們說這是身心恢復的過程之一. 所以, 我把過去幾個禮拜發生的狀況寫出來. 過去一個月是我人生裡覺得最漫長也情緒起伏最大的一個月. 醫生還有過來人都說 會感覺到難過, 悲愴, 生氣, 感到受傷 感到被自己的身體背叛等等負面情緒都是正常的. 過去三星期我有感受到以上的所有負面情緒， 而現在只有一個字可以形容此刻的心情. 空. 就是空蕩蕩的.

第一次產檢結束後幾天, 我開始有少量粉紅色出血(當時是6週). 這只維持了2天. 雖然量很少(只有擦拭才有),但已經足夠讓我開始擔心. 許多醫生跟護士告訴我 懷孕初期出血是常見現象 而且大約20%的孕婦都會遇到這狀況 而大多數情況嬰兒也健康出生. 除了一點點出血, 當時我沒有其他症狀, 就是腰酸背痛而已. 為了平撫我的擔憂, 醫生允許我4/28照初期超音波來評估有沒有子宮外孕 (那時剛滿7星期, 美國通常是8-9個禮拜才第一次照超音波). 照超音波的技術師在全程45分的照超音波時間裡, 大概95%保持完全的安靜. 她對我做了腹部跟陰道超音波. 檢查的時候我在螢幕上看到了2個黑點. 我問她“這些看起來都正常嗎” 她回我“現在都還太早講” 然後就又安靜的量螢幕上看到的各種東西. 寂靜. 整個房間就是很沉默很安靜. 離開房間的時候我滿肚子各種問題, 一個答案都沒有.

然後隔天, 輕微出血又回來了, 這次是偏很淺的咖啡色接近米色. 這天我也從一位護士得知有三個醫生看過我的超音波資料, 但總結是 很多地方都還很不確定. 他們確定我懷孕, 不確定是單胞胎還是雙胞胎. 超音波照出來是估計他們當時在應該滿7週時才4週又1天. 醫生說 我可能是晚排卵, 但是我很清楚所有的日期所以我總覺得不對勁. 我唯一的希望從 原本的 “可能他們只是長的比較慢” 變成 “也許打了第二針covid疫苗導致經期被打亂” (不過同時我也知道其實臨床實驗裡疫苗在懷孕前和懷孕中打沒造成負面影響, 我只是試著想抓住某個稻草般的一絲希望 以為可能疫苗讓我的荷爾蒙變化特別亂但仍舊會沒事). 接著, 我開始了一系列的抽血檢驗. 連著三個星期 幾乎每2-3天就回醫院抽血. 那段時間, 我的hcg數值(懷孕才有的荷爾蒙)有在提升 但速度很慢. 普遍正常情況是每48-72小時 就應該數值成長一倍的速度, 而我卻是每2-3天只有成長17-40%. 醫生們和護士們都跟我說 有時候有些人的hcg成長速度比較慢, 而且她們已經確定不是子宮外孕, 說只要數值有持續在升高 她們就不擔心. 不知道為什麼 我就是不相信. 她們都跟我說 "這還有希望." 我只能點頭 但心裡總想著 有希望不夠. 科技的發達使得現在很容易就可以從網路上看到各種醫學資訊, 然後就是掉入永遠都有更多的擔憂的深淵. 所有我遇到的醫生都對我很好, 只要我有開口要求什麼, 她們都有遷就配合給我我想要的 但我好像從一開始隱隱約約感覺到有地方不對勁.

輕微出血持續天天都有, 從粉紅色到咖啡色接著在5/3變成鮮紅色. 5/10開始量也變多成每次上廁所都需要換護墊了.

母親節的隔天 (5/11), 照了第二次的超音波. 我們看到他們兩個. 他們在13天裡只有成長大約一星期的大小. 超音波也照到一個血塊. 這次照的是另一個技術師, 她比較愛聊天但完全沒提到那個血塊. 我只是一看到自己就知道那是什麼, 也知道代表著什麼可能, 因為當時已經在網路上看過太多超音波照片也讀過非常多的別人的經驗. 沒有心跳. 這次我特別要了超音波照片 因為上次沒有拿到, 還有我自己清楚這可能是我最後一次可以拿照片的機會.

隔天 (5/12), 我的流血量開始變多了, 多到需要從護墊換成一般月經衛生棉. 這天我們跟一個婦產科醫生有視訊討論前一天的超音波結果. 醫生看了我所有資料後說, 她評估98%機率這會最後結束於流產. 她說 我有三個方式可以選: 等他自然發生, 用藥來催自然流產盡快發生, 或者手術人工流產. 我很不想在自己家裡流產, 也很怕之後無法正常心情出入家裡任何一間廁所. 另外因為自然流產本身很難預測, 所以這可能是隔天或隔一個月才發生. 可能躺在床上, 坐在沙發上, 可能坐在車上, 它可能在任何時間任何地方發生. 我沒辦法說服自己 在家等著自然流產. 醫生還提到 不管有沒有使用藥物, 自然流產有少數可能會發生沒流乾淨 之後必須手術清空子宮的情況. 與醫生視訊討論之後, 我要求隔週(這星期)再照一次超音波 做最後的確認, 然後根據結果再決定要不要預約手術. 醫生懂我想要有一個最終確定的機會所以尊重我的意願, 就這樣說定了接下來的計畫.

5/15, 我開始有下腹痛. 當時是星期五晚上8點多. 一開始很輕微的痛 但出血量變多, 不過並沒多到每小時都需要換衛生棉. 當時還跟朋友們玩英雄聯盟來幫自己分心對可能發生的痛跟恐懼的不安. 當時是邊左手捧著肚子 右手亂按滑鼠的玩. 如果你有玩這個遊戲的話, 你懂這遊戲通常不是這樣玩的. 玩完遊戲後, 我看了很多YouTube 影片, 還乾脆唱歌來耗時間. 肚子痛是完全沒停的從晚上8點痛到隔天早上6點. 凌晨4點的時候變成非常嚴重的絞痛. 那時我排了一些血塊 也有一陣像水龍頭打開那樣直接流一串血 同時也感到很冷. 當時我很不想去急診室, 因為我知道去了那邊醫生也不會救已經被醫生判為發育不良的雙胞胎, 而且大概也沒什麼能做的. 我痛到想吃止痛藥但家裡只有一種叫ibuprofen的止痛藥. 而當時所有藥局都關門. 我記得ibuprofen在懷孕時要避免吃 因為可能造成血栓跟影響胎兒發展. 雖然我心知肚明雙胞胎大概是沒救了, 但我還是不想吃這個藥. 如果有一絲的可以活的機會 我還是想把機會給他們. 坐在馬桶上邊痛邊打電話給護士熱線問還有什麼止痛藥我可以吃來減輕疼痛. 護士把我轉到緊急專線 然後我被告知我的狀況吃Ibuprofen或Tylenol都可以. 值班婦產醫生說我形容的一切像是我正在流產. W當時跑去離家最近的加油站買Tylenol. 排出更多血塊之後 疼痛感陸續緩和. 最後那天我什麼藥都沒吃. 星期六早上6點左右, 疼痛感減輕很多 我們終於能睡了. 睡醒之後 我覺得精神很好, 沒有症狀, 出血量少很多. 星期天一整天也是非常少量出血, 沒任何腹痛, 我以為我已經流產完了.

5/17, 我去照了第三次超音波. 這天是原本一個月多前先約好的 第一次面對面的產檢日. 如果3個禮拜多前我沒有自己主動要求先做檢查的話, 等於是這天我才會發現自己正要流產了. 照超音波的時候, 我很震驚的看到他們兩個都還在. 他們在6天裡長了3天大小, 但是 兩個都沒有心跳. 當時我已經懷孕快滿10週, 但他們只有5週又4天的大小. 小血塊也有變大一些. 這次的超音波技師一樣很安靜, 沒告訴我任何事, 我自己看著螢幕上的數字自己很清楚每個數字代表的意義. 離開房間時, 她對我們說恭喜

. 我哭著走去停車場.

5/18 我們終於第一次走進婦產科跟一個婦產科醫生做第一次的面對面會談. 她幫我照了我的第四次超音波做最後的確認. 照陰道超音波用的棒子取出時 沾滿了血, 醫生也診斷我為 正在流產. 當場 我告訴醫生我要做人工流產手術, 我們約了星期四(5/20). 也做了抽血檢查跟covid檢測. 我才知道原來當時我有貧血 - 大概因為連著出血流血三個禮拜多, 加上中間頻繁抽血, 星期五晚上/六早上又流血特別多. 我的所有醫生都說手術前的身體檢查報告顯示我可以做手術.

5/19晚上11點多, 我洗澡洗到一半 突然又開始肚子痛. 這次來的很突然而且馬上很痛. 地上的水從透明的變成紅色的. 地上的泡泡變成紅色的 我也看到大量的血塊不斷掉到地上. 沖完後我趕快去床上躺下 以為這個鎮痛會像之前一樣過去. 我告訴自己這像月經, 像經痛. 我告訴自己已經經歷過不知道多少次的經痛, 這只是比較痛的經痛. 更何況手術只要再半天就到了. 腹部絞痛並沒有停止, 越來越激烈. W也無法把我從床上拉起來吃止痛藥. 我根本是痛得全身動不了. 整個痛像是海浪般一陣一陣的來淹沒我全身的知覺.

當我在兩個“浪”中間一點點的小空隙時, 我終於爬起來吞Tylenol然後直奔馬桶. 去馬桶的路上我感覺到自己在大量流血, 我的睡褲已經被自己的血染濕 同時也開始感到頭暈. 半夜12:30我坐上馬桶後就起不來, 直到救護人員出現.

W那時邊扶著坐在馬桶上又哭又叫的我, 同時電話跟護士連線. 我只記得我很痛, 而且想吐. 想吐但是吐不出來. 大約凌晨1:30的時候 我坐在馬桶上失去知覺昏了過去. W打電話給911, 一台救護車和一台消防車趕過來. 消防人員把我放進輪椅然後一群人扛著我下樓到一樓客廳, 一樓當時有救護人員已經把床架好, 我從消防人員的椅子裡被轉到救護人員的床上時開始恢復意識 看到他們所有人 (必須說 消防人員即使戴著口罩每個都好帥). 消防人員跟救護人員叫我深呼吸, 我聽的懂深呼吸是什麼但不知道為什麼身體忘了怎麼做. W在旁邊急著大吼. 我邊哭邊抱著肚子捲曲在床上被救護人員推出家門口 送上救護車.

救護人員一開始告訴我 他們沒辦法直接送我去我指定的醫院, 必須看各家醫院願不願意接受. 很幸運的是, 他們最後把我送到我希望的醫療體制下的醫院(Kaiser), 而且就是我當天預計動手術的醫院. 因為是我原本就去的醫院, 所以醫院那邊本來就有我的病例跟所有的懷孕相關的就診紀錄. W當時不能跟我一起坐救護車. 我很想要他陪我上救護車, 可是規定不行. 不過之後我一個人在急診室時又想到他沒有一起上救護車 才能安排Beibei, Lulu, Duke的吃喝, 因為當下我們也不知道那晚會怎麼發展, 所以當時他不能一起上救護車其實比較好.

我在急診室從凌晨2點待到早上6點. W在凌晨3點時 被急診允許可以來探望我. 當時我被注射了嗎啡, 所以疼痛感減輕很多. 在急診病床上, 我一直流血. 我還被注射了點滴跟一種止吐藥. 我被告知 有貧血, 低血壓, 低鈉, 脫水. 照了陰道超音波也做了骨盆檢查, 檢查的時候即使打了嗎啡我一樣感到特別痛. 急診醫生告訴我 雙胞胎已經流了一個, 還有一個還在我身體裡. 我問護士能不能讓我待在急診待到9:30因為當天同一家醫院的手術要我那時候報到, 很可惜不行. 所以早上6點從急診出院, 回家睡了兩小時, 然後回到同一家醫院去手術櫃台報到.

然後有個古怪的事發生. 在手術櫃台那邊, 電腦認為我還是急診室的病人, 不讓手術櫃台的人完成我的報到程序. 手術櫃台的人試著聯絡凌晨負責我的急診醫生 需要她把我從急診的電腦系統裡改成已出急診, 但她當時在忙另一個患者, 所以最後是找她的上司直接越權重新把我從急診的系統裡釋放. 在等櫃台處理這件事的時候, 我坐在輪椅上邊流血邊等. 幾小時前的畫面 還有自從發現懷孕以來的種種事情在我腦海裡不斷重播, 雖然這些明明發生在我身上 但我像是在看著這一切發生在別人身上. 手術部門的一個護士那時站在我身後陪我, 她陪著我等到終於完成報到程序之後 推我進了手術等待區.

我是早上10點多被推進等待區. 因為疫情管制的關係, W不能陪我進等待區, 也不能在醫院等. 所以他被請回家. 等待手術時, 護士給了我5顆藥 (Tylenol最強藥效跟一些消炎藥), 那時候我躺在一張床上 血一樣是一直流(那時已經不怎麼痛了, 可能凌晨打的嗎啡還很有效, 而且還有Tylenol). 我記得被推進手術室之前 護士幫我換了3張床. 不清楚為什麼一直換床, 每次換的時候 我都看到毛毯還有床單上都是血跡.

進手術室之前, 等了大概2.5小時, 感覺時間過很慢. 很多人來對我自我介紹 告訴我他們等等會負責手術前後的什麼部分 會怎麼照顧我. 其實這段一切很模糊. 我試著睡覺 但總覺得很吵睡不著. 在醫院感覺自己像是一個老太婆, 很虛弱, 很不舒服, 很不確定很多事.

中午12:30 我被推進了手術室. 我記得一進去的瞬間 我有被手術室震撼到. 很白, 空間很大, 很冷. 整個空氣是冰涼涼的, 手術用的床也是超級冰冷. 我看到很多大大小小的螢幕. 視覺上來看 非常像電影裡的高科技手術室畫面.

負責我的手術團隊一共有7個人. 他們圍著我的床站一圈 對我做第二次/第三次的自我介紹. 團隊有 手術醫生, 另一個醫生, 一個護士長, 另一個護士, 一個麻醉師, 一個手術儀器技術師, 跟一個實習醫生. 介紹完畢後, 手術醫生, Dr. Susie Lim, 開始訴訟當時的手術的目的跟各個要項, 接著每個人輪流一個一個說他/她是誰 負責什麼部分 像是在對別人說話一樣, 也像是在錄影, 那時候不知道為什麼讓我聯想到日劇Code Blue. 然後手術就開始了.

他們用靜脈注射來打麻藥. 我記得的最後畫面是 左邊是手術醫生壓著我臉上的氧氣罩對我說深呼吸, 同時護士長在我的右邊親親的按壓我右手打著靜脈注射的位置. 我感覺到眼淚邊留下 內心說I'm sorry 同時數著天花板版片.

接著下一個我有意識的畫面 是我突然看到眼前有一個大螢幕顯示1:30幾分, 我還在手術室裡. 同時我感覺到兩腿中間很辣像在被燒, 我不確定當時是不是我不該醒過來. 那時候他們都背對著我收拾東西. 他們沒預期到我會這麼快醒來所以根本不知道我已經醒了. 我試著叫他們, 他們沒人聽到我. 然後有人看到我試著舉手, 發現我醒了, 過來跟我說手術剛剛做完. 沒有需要輸血(這原本是一個有可能的狀況). 接著有人把我推到了休息區, 我在那邊躺到了4點半.

原本他們想要2:30讓我出院, 但是我一坐起來馬上快昏倒, 所以又要我躺回去多躺2小時. 也給我多打一袋點滴跟鴉片止痛. 當時 我從前一天晚上8點就沒再進食, 前一天晚上10點就沒再喝水, 所以我手術後喉嚨其實超乾. 最後一位照顧我的護士對我很溫柔很多關懷. 我沒有因為他是男護士就感到不自在. 需要的時候 他幫我換衣服 扶我去廁所 幫我換衛生棉檢查手術後流血量等等. 當我跟他提說 我口很渴 能不能喝水的時候, 他馬上從外面帶回來一杯冰水, 一罐蘋果汁, 一罐桑椹蔓越莓果汁, 全部端到我嘴巴前用吸管餵我喝.

現在我感覺還好. 我很失望的一件事是手術醫生說我的狀況沒辦法為他們做火化. 我知道發生的所有事不是任何人的錯. 我知道不能火化也不是任何人的錯. 我在上手術台的床之前已經流了一個, 第二個因為太小, 要把所有能用的組織都要送去檢驗有沒有染色體異常(我要求做這個檢測, 我只是想知道這是不是他們沒正常發展的原因), 所以實在沒有很多組織可以火化. 我原本的希望 是帶著他們的灰去冰島灑, 因為原本就計畫今年夏天要一起去冰島. 現在我還是想去冰島 因為這是我們現在還能做的事.

如果你讀到這裡, 謝謝你一直讀把這篇讀完. 我們已經回到家. 現在在家休養. 很感謝消防員跟救護人員 還有所有的醫生護士跟醫療人員在疫情時間還這麼辛苦努力幫著救人 照顧各種病人. 我親眼見到他們真的很忙 沒有人有空閒. 所有人都很忙.也謝謝在911線上的那個人 在線上陪著W等到救護車到我們家. 他當時大概已經被眼前畫面嚇傻 我坐在馬桶上昏倒半裸著不斷滴血. 謝謝打電話傳簡訊來關心的親友. 我最近大概會時不時少用手機跟社交軟體, 但我覺得我們會沒事的.